Being “so OCD”; My Bread & Trashcan Analogy
Written on April 23rd, 2023
A life with obsessive compulsive disorder (commonly known as OCD), is bittersweet. Mostly bitter than it is sweet.
It’s filled of time wasted searching for answers and guarantees, but never finding them.
When I explain it to my family, I always use the example of the bread and the trash can. I don’t use my obsessions as an example, cause trying to explain, triggers the doubt. I don’t want to have to explain it; I want them to know. But at the same time I don’t.
I am ashamed of what they would think of me if they knew what often goes through my head. And the more I keep the thoughts to myself, the more immoral and twisted they feel.
I say, “Imagine holding a loaf of bread, seeing a trashcan next to you and suddenly wondering about what would happen if you threw the bread in it…
The thought upsets you, cause you’ve never thought about throwing a loaf of bread before. It’s not who you know yourself to be. What does this thought say about you? Do you actually think throwing the bread is that bad? Or are you lying to yourself? Maybe you secretly want to throw the bread and are just in denial.
An empty feeling in the pit of your stomach follows. Something awful is about to happen. You’ll never have control of your life again. The world’s been playing a joke and you weren’t let in on it.
Holding a bread will never be the same anymore.
You might start scanning your memories. Have there been signs of you wanting to get rid of the bread loaf in the past? You might start googling.
The answers might temporary relieve you. At first glance, there have never been any “hidden” signs in your past experiences. According to google its normal to not know what to do with the bread once in a while. Many people have also thought about disposing of it.
But this is only the beginning.
Things get worse, but never better.
Searching lasts longer, becomes more specific. This need for certainty, is never satisfied.
Similar experiences of other people are never similar enough. Maybe they had thought of throwing the bread before, but it was because the bread was mouldy. Or their hand was hurting.
But that’s not what you wish hear.
You want certainty. Black or white.
Your memories aren’t trustworthy anymore either.
The more you search, the worse it gets.
You feel guilty.
Sometimes, you have the urge to confess. Let someone in on your “sinful” secret.
But this doesn’t help either. The burden is not shared; it is doubled.
They might reassure you; more food for obsessive thought.
Some might give you baffled looks. “Thinking about throwing the bread can only mean that you actually want to throw the bread” or “the more you think about it, the closest you get to actually doing it”
That is what you don’t want to hear and deep down you you truly fear
That you are your thoughts. And what you think is real.
…”
That’s what being OCD means for me;
Every random thought that crosses my mind, I feel responsible for,
If I am capable of thinking it, it must mean I am capable of doing it
…
where are you going to hide when the enemy is your brain?
